My Little Pony:Friendship is Magic OC RP
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My Little Pony:Friendship is Magic OC RP

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 Iron Spark

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Delix



Posts : 1732
Join date : 2015-05-21
Age : 17
Location : Republic of Germany

PostSubject: Iron Spark   Sat Jul 25, 2015 7:42 pm

Iron Spark

Gender: Mare
Species: Pegasus
Mane: Blue with Cyan accents
Tail: same as mane
Eyes: Light blue
Body: Big, Strong, sightly buffed
Cutie Mark: a blue shield with a hammer infront of it  
Age (Baby,adult): adult 26
Personality: Iron is pretty strong, even stronger than some stallions and earns lots of respect. She likes to build and/or repair things just like her brother. She likes the summer, because she loves flowers and nature. She's very protective over her brother and wont let anyone hurt him. She has lots of care for other ponies. She hates speaking about her parents and Manehattan cause she is still a little sad about the accident. She likes to be around nice and sweet stallions, but she doesnt have a colt-friend yet. Iron is pretty loud and energetic which makes other ponies often think she's a stranger
Likes: Her brother, sunny days, happy things, flowers, building, stallions
Dislikes: sad things, rain, bullies, If her brother gets hurt, being mad, too fancy things
History:
Iron Spark was born in the Industrial district of Manehattan as the first child in a poor family. Living there was always dangerous. When she was 6, her parents taught her how to build and repair things and how to work with different Metals. She really liked it, and she soon discovered her talent of building things and her cutie mark appeared. Later she helped her father in the factory, making steals for different things, like railways and such. Until her little brother was born: Metal Spark. Iron often had to babysit Metal when Her parents were too busy or had to work, they became the closest friends and often played in their free time. When they got older, they both began to work in the factory with their parents. But then 2 months later, the explosion happened and they lost their parents, which made them really sad. Iron stayed in Manehattan and raised Metal like a mother. Gave him food took care of him and so on. She started working in a flower shop where she got really interested in botany. Later she fell in love with a stallion, but their relationship ended when her coltfriend moved to canterlot. And Metal left Manehattan to go to ponyville and start a family. They havent seen each other for years, will they ever meet again?

A colt is bullying a filly in the Manehattan street. When your OC looks to him, he turns to your OC and snaps, "What're you looking at?"
"Are you bullying this helpless filly cause youre not strong enough to deal with someone like me?"
"Mind your own business.. go away you weak mare before I beat you up"
"Oh ya want a fight? You can have one" Iron gave the bully a punch in the stomach.. he ran away after he fell to the ground
"Are you alright?" she asked the filly
"Y-yes Im fine.. thank you"

[Acceptance]

_________________
===My OC's===
Metal Spark The engineer
Mint Berry The friendly gardener
Lexa Coldwind The friendly, energetic pegasus
Fried Crisp "Fry" The kind street cook
__________________________________
I love you forever Jackie x3
My cuddly cutie

__________________________________
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_sBxI5mb_eU



Last edited by Delix on Mon Jul 27, 2015 9:12 am; edited 9 times in total
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Doodle Bug



Posts : 1399
Join date : 2012-11-06

PostSubject: Re: Iron Spark   Sat Jul 25, 2015 11:28 pm

Looks good but the personality is extremely choppy. Maybe tell how they feel about their family, relationship with sibling, mother, father? Who their idol was or is?
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Lou



Posts : 442
Join date : 2013-12-05
Age : 17
Location : USA

PostSubject: Re: Iron Spark   Sat Jul 25, 2015 11:30 pm

So many lesbians...

Not that there's antthing wrong with that, it's just...There's a lot around here. O.o

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Delix



Posts : 1732
Join date : 2015-05-21
Age : 17
Location : Republic of Germany

PostSubject: Re: Iron Spark   Sun Jul 26, 2015 7:31 am

I changed it... cause I got some other plans with her ;)

_________________
===My OC's===
Metal Spark The engineer
Mint Berry The friendly gardener
Lexa Coldwind The friendly, energetic pegasus
Fried Crisp "Fry" The kind street cook
__________________________________
I love you forever Jackie x3
My cuddly cutie

__________________________________
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_sBxI5mb_eU

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Delix



Posts : 1732
Join date : 2015-05-21
Age : 17
Location : Republic of Germany

PostSubject: Re: Iron Spark   Sun Jul 26, 2015 8:20 am

Is this better Doodle?

_________________
===My OC's===
Metal Spark The engineer
Mint Berry The friendly gardener
Lexa Coldwind The friendly, energetic pegasus
Fried Crisp "Fry" The kind street cook
__________________________________
I love you forever Jackie x3
My cuddly cutie

__________________________________
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_sBxI5mb_eU

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Doodle Bug



Posts : 1399
Join date : 2012-11-06

PostSubject: Re: Iron Spark   Sun Jul 26, 2015 5:52 pm

The personality is still very choppy and it doesn't really flow (not enough space in between each dot ^^). The history could use some grammatical changes such as:

Personality:

1. "She likes flowers and sunny days. She's very protective over her brother. She has lots of care for other ponies. She hates speaking about her parents and Manehattan cause she is still a little sad about it. She likes nice and sweet stallions. Is pretty loud and energetic"

a. How about something like: "She's always had such a high interest in flowers because______." And "She absolutely loves sunny days because it is the only time she can ________." "She has never really been fond of talking about her parents, nor does she like talking about Manehattan because of what happened (then maybe explain what happened here)." "She enjoys being around sweet stallions because they always __________." "She's also pretty loud and energetic making the other ponies around her seem to __________."

So on and so forth through the history as well ^^
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Delix



Posts : 1732
Join date : 2015-05-21
Age : 17
Location : Republic of Germany

PostSubject: Re: Iron Spark   Sun Jul 26, 2015 5:55 pm

Alright...

_________________
===My OC's===
Metal Spark The engineer
Mint Berry The friendly gardener
Lexa Coldwind The friendly, energetic pegasus
Fried Crisp "Fry" The kind street cook
__________________________________
I love you forever Jackie x3
My cuddly cutie

__________________________________
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_sBxI5mb_eU

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Delix



Posts : 1732
Join date : 2015-05-21
Age : 17
Location : Republic of Germany

PostSubject: Re: Iron Spark   Sun Jul 26, 2015 6:31 pm

Ok, changed it

_________________
===My OC's===
Metal Spark The engineer
Mint Berry The friendly gardener
Lexa Coldwind The friendly, energetic pegasus
Fried Crisp "Fry" The kind street cook
__________________________________
I love you forever Jackie x3
My cuddly cutie

__________________________________
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_sBxI5mb_eU

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Doodle Bug



Posts : 1399
Join date : 2012-11-06

PostSubject: Re: Iron Spark   Sun Jul 26, 2015 8:49 pm

There are some capitals in the history section:

1. Iron Spark was born in the Industrial district of Manehattan.

-Ok, this is a good start but where in the Industrial district? Maybe you could expand on how growing up was there :)

2. When she was 6, her parents taught her how to build and repair things.

-What did she build and repair? Is there a certain thing she's best at or something she likes work on the most?

3. She really liked it, and she soon discovered her talent of building things and her cutie mark appeared.

-This section is fine :)

4. Later she helped her father in the factory.. then her little brother was born.. Metal Spark. Iron often had to babysit Metal when Her parents were too busy.

-This section is what I was talking about with the choppiness. Where there are two dots, can you please add commas? Maybe combine the first two sentences by adding more in! Maybe tell us a little about what she did in the factory! ^^

5. They became the closest friends and often played in their free time, When they got older.. they both began to work in the factory with their parents. but then 2 months later.. the explosion happened and they lost their parents, which made them really sad.

-Can you remove the two dots and add commas again in this one? Also add capital the letters after the dots please ^^

6. Iron stayed in Manehattan and raised Metal like a mother.
-How was that like?

7.She started working in a flower shop where she got really interested in botany. Later she fell in love with a stallion. but their relationship ended when her coltfriend moved to canterlot. And Metal left Manehattan to go to ponyville and start a family. They haven't seen each other for years.. will they ever meet again?

-There are the two dots again (before will they ever meet again) where it should be a semicolon as well as dots where a comma should be right before the 'but'. The word Ponyville should be capitalized (Don't worry, I make that mistake a lot XD). Was there a certain flower she enjoyed most?

And the rp segment is kind of bare, but other than that, it looks great!
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Delix



Posts : 1732
Join date : 2015-05-21
Age : 17
Location : Republic of Germany

PostSubject: Re: Iron Spark   Mon Jul 27, 2015 5:25 am

Ugh... changed everything
Hmm let me guess.. there is still something wrong?

_________________
===My OC's===
Metal Spark The engineer
Mint Berry The friendly gardener
Lexa Coldwind The friendly, energetic pegasus
Fried Crisp "Fry" The kind street cook
__________________________________
I love you forever Jackie x3
My cuddly cutie

__________________________________
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_sBxI5mb_eU

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Doodle Bug



Posts : 1399
Join date : 2012-11-06

PostSubject: Re: Iron Spark   Mon Jul 27, 2015 7:13 am

Nope, everything looks good ^^ Approved!
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