My Little Pony:Friendship is Magic OC RP
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My Little Pony:Friendship is Magic OC RP

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 Dark Spark

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shydeon



Posts : 7
Join date : 2015-07-30

PostSubject: Dark Spark   Tue Aug 25, 2015 3:37 pm

Dark Spark

Gender: Male
Species: Unicorn
Mane:Long Straight hair which is Black and Purple for its Color
Tail: Long and a bit fluffy tail that is completely black
Eyes: Sky Blue
Body: Dark Purple with some gray on the hooves
Cutie Mark: Shadows with lighting
Age: Young Adult ((20 years human))

Personality: Dark Spark is often a really nice pony that is a bit hyper at times. He can get extremely protective of his friends if he finds them in danger or there is somepony insulting them. He does enjoy ponies who are honest with them selves but gets annoyed when they think there the best at everything. One interesting thing about this pony is that he is pessimistic when it comes to his ideas. The pony has bee raised with self doubt since there is not much that he decided to do worked out except performing. He also really trusting of other Ponies which often causes him pain when they betray him.

Likes: Writing music, Performing Music, Learning new Illusions and tricks, Animals, Parties
Dislikes: Insects, Judges, Crime, Fakes, Hospitals, Superior beings

History: Dark Spark was just a young, five months old, foal the last time he was around his blood relatives. Both of his parents worked so much, time spent with there own child was nonexistent. His mother was a jewelcrafter that worked most of the times to satisfy her customer while his father was a guard in training.

Dark Spark was important to his parents but even though they were quite hesitant to send there only son to be adopted by another family but they knew it was for the best and he did get adopted by an excellent family. His adoptive parents kept the fact hidden from the young foal but when he grew up enough for the realization that he was an unicorn and they were not which made him really confuse. Took a few month for him to accept that even if they were not his blood relatives they were still the ones that raised him like there son.

During his time at school, he had discovered his cutie mark while performing in a talent show. For his acts he conjures up Illusions made out of shadows and lightning surrounding him. During these times he plays the guitar and signs. He was not half bad as a singer but he still has room for improvements that would make him better as a band member then a solo artist. That does not mean he could not go solo in the modern style of rock.

He grew up like everypony else in Ponyville and did not really mind that his parents, where not his real parents, once he found out that is. He saw them as his family and that is all that counted to him. He is still practicing his magic to make the illusions for his performances work with the shadows to cover the right times, making it disappear or even shape it.

Example RP segment: (Refer to post below)

3. It is pouring rain outside. Your OC spots the light of a tavern up ahead. The tavern is filled with ponies that your OC doesn't know. Given your OC’s personality, compose a brief narrative in which your OC identifies and addresses the situation.

Dark Spark was walking around, trying to get to his first performance since arriving in this unknown town. The rain was pouring making him soaked and cold. Seeing the lights coming from the tavern in this location for him. He goes in the building with his guitar on his back and looks around a bit nervous since he looked so out of place, it was not fun to him.

He takes a deep breath and just continues in making certain that he does not hit anyone with the guitar or bump in to them. He sits down at the bar and looks at the pony beside him. He just makes a friendly gesture to say hello and then looks at the one behind the counter.

"Greeting madame would you perhaps be able to sell me some apple cider by any chance and perhaps on some information on where this lovely location finds it self on the map?"

He was uncertain if he was lying to this mare about the loveliness of the location since the weather made it hard for him to judge it properly. The down poor was quite severe outside and looked like it might not e over before another time. Looks at his guitar and shakes his head while waiting for his drink. Once he receives his beverage, he takes a drink hoping the down poor will stop soon.

[Acceptance]


Last edited by shydeon on Wed Aug 26, 2015 7:21 pm; edited 1 time in total
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Doodle Bug



Posts : 1398
Join date : 2012-11-06

PostSubject: Re: Dark Spark   Tue Aug 25, 2015 10:04 pm

Hiya *Waves frantically*, I am your friendly neighborhood Admin, Doodle Bug ^^ We're so happy to have you here!

Alright, now down to business~

Everything looks good up to the personality. In this section, these things should be fixed:

Shadow Spark is mostly a really nice pony that is a bit hyper at times. He is a protective to ones that are considered his friends. One thing about this one he is pessimistic when it comes to his ideas. He also really trusting of other Ponies which often causes him pain when they betray him.

The first thing I notice is that it needs to be a bit longer, possibly 2-3 more lines of text exclaiming how he reacts to his likes and dislikes ^^

The second thing is the first sentence. Instead of: "Shadow Spark is mostly a really nice pony that is a bit hyper at times."

Try "Dark Spark is often a really nice pony who can get a bit hyper at times!" Since you mentioned his name was Dark instead of Shadow. ^^ Or is Shadow a nickname given by a favorite family member or friend?

Second sentence of the Personality:

Instead of "He is a protective to ones that are considered his friends."

Maybe add a little bit more on to it explaining what traits he likes in friends, such as: "He can get (amount of protectiveness) protective of his friends if he finds them in danger. He enjoys ponies who are _______ but gets annoyed when they ______."

Third sentence of the Personality:

Instead of: "One thing about this one he is pessimistic when it comes to his ideas."

Try: "One interesting thing about him is that he is pessimistic when it comes to his ideas of things. (And maybe explain why)"

And that is all in the personality!

The Likes look good but the dislikes needs to be about 4-5 things long! ^^

History section next!

In the history section, I see a few things that need fixing such as the first few sentences:

Instead of: "When Dark Spark was a young Foal the last time he was with his blood relatives. He knew his mother that was extremely busy with her work she could not care for him and his farther was one of many guards that was in training so had even less time for the there own kid."

Maybe try: "Dark Spark was just a young, (How old?) foal the last time he had seen his blood relatives. Both of his parents worked so much, time spent with Dark was seemingly nonexistent. His mother was a (What job did she do?), while his father was a guard in training."

Next Sentence:

Maybe elaborate on: "Dark Spark was a lucky one that landed to get a family in Ponyville that wanted a foal or a filly so adopted Dark Spark that never knew this since he was to young but figured out after a while since neither was a unicorn."

Using: "Dark Spark was (explain how his parents felt putting him up for adoption) put up for adoption and later adopted by a wonderful family in Ponyville! Since he was too young to know about the adoption, his parents kept it a secret until he was old enough to realize neither were unicorns. (How did he feel about this?)"

Next Sentence:

"When he was at school he found his cutie mark pretty early on during his first performance at school where he went and done so many different tricks to make an illusion of smoke and everything while he performed with his guitar and his average signing voice he would of better with a ban then a solo act but can go either side."

Maybe you could use: "During his time at school, he had discovered his cutie mark while performing in a (School play? Talent show?). For his acts he conjured up illusions of smoke and (what else) while strumming his guitar and singing! He wasn't half bad as a singer but he would have been better with a band rather than solo. That didn't mean he couldn't go solo, though! (What did he sing? Country? Rock?)"

Next Sentence: "He grew up like everyone else in Ponyville and did not really mind that his parents where not his real parents once he found out that is. He saw the as his family and that is all that counted to him. He is still practicing his music and the timing of using his magic to make the illusions for his performances work with the shadows to cover the right times, making it disappear or even shape it."

The first sentence is good! Maybe add in a comma after parents and before 'once'. The second sentence, you are missing an m making 'the' 'them'.

"He is still practicing his magic and timing of using his magic to make the illusions for his performances work with the shadows to cover the right times, making it disappear or even shape it."

Maybe try this instead: "He is still practicing his magic timing trying to get the illusions right for his performances with shadows! Once done right, he could make it disappear or even shape it!"

Done with History, on to the RP Segment!

The first sentence needs 'walked' instead of 'walking' or you could say 'was walking around, trying to get his first performance since arriving in this unknown town.'

I would take out the sentence that mentions the unknown location a second time since you've mentioned it in the beginning. There is a random o which needs an f attached to it making 'of' and I would put either a comma or a dot '.' right after 'place' and before 'it'. Also, I would change the word 'funny' to the word 'fun' since you did not mention other ponies laughing at him. The second part, 'bumping' should be 'bump'. Instead of 'Sitting down at the bar' you could use 'He sits down at the bar' There should be a dot right after 'him' and before 'he'.

The last part is a run on sentence and doesn't flow all that well, so could you separate it in some places to make it flow?

And that's all I see!
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Doodle Bug



Posts : 1398
Join date : 2012-11-06

PostSubject: Re: Dark Spark   Wed Aug 26, 2015 8:21 pm

Approved! Enjoy!
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PostSubject: Re: Dark Spark   Today at 9:29 am

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