My Little Pony:Friendship is Magic OC RP
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My Little Pony:Friendship is Magic OC RP

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 Haze Path

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HazePath



Posts : 1
Join date : 2014-06-25
Age : 16
Location : Miami

PostSubject: Haze Path   Wed Jun 25, 2014 8:22 pm

Name:Haze Path

Gender:Female

Species:Pegasus

Mane:Dark blue in an upward style

Tail:Dark blue in an downward spiky style

Eyes:One brown and one gray

Body:She has a normal height and moderate weight

Cutie Mark:Cloud with a black stripe through it

Age:23 Years

Personality:She's usually grumpy but can easily be cheered up.She also likes to be where fun is at.But sometimes she rather stay inside and read a book.Not many things can anger her but some things can set her off.She also likes to cheer other ponies up with her jokes.

Likes:Jokes,Reading,Parties,Clowns,and lights

Dislikes:Rude Ponies,Extreme Heat,Dark Places,and Fighting

History:As a younger pony her parents didn't pay much attention to her which caused her to be more independent.But she was inspired by other ponies to try and stay happy.It didn't work out as she often got left out and it didn't help when people would make fun of what she tried to achieve.Her goal was to stay as happy as possible but usually failed and would end up making her angry and upset.She didn't know what to do about her situation.Until one day she realized that the opinions of other ponies shouldn't matter.When this happened she gained her cutie mark which represented that she could cut through the gloomy days with happiness. 

Example Rp:Example 5


Haze Path had been walking home when she heard a quiet scream.Wondering where it came from she followed the noise to see a colt ready to hit a filly.Before he could she got between them ans said to the colt "leave the poor filly alone".After that the colt responded with "what are you going to do about it?"."It doesn't matter what i'll do.Just leave her alone" Haze path said in response to the rude colt.The colt mubbled and said "fine" clearly frustrated and walked away.Haze Path turned to the filly and said "head on home.you should be fine now".The filly said "thanks!" and ran towards home.Haze Path smiled and also went home.

Accepted


Last edited by HazePath on Thu Jun 26, 2014 1:15 pm; edited 3 times in total
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Doodle Bug



Posts : 1397
Join date : 2012-11-06

PostSubject: Re: Haze Path   Wed Jun 25, 2014 10:14 pm

Hi there and welcome to our forum Haze Path! First off, I'd like to say that the history section and Personality need to be fleshed out quite a bit and you forgot our special word at the bottom of the page. :P The personality needs to be at least a paragraph in length and the history needs more info like family, her inspiration, her goals, how she came to where she is now.
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Doodle Bug



Posts : 1397
Join date : 2012-11-06

PostSubject: Re: Haze Path   Thu Jun 26, 2014 1:19 am

It looks better but still not quite there yet! I'd check the choppiness of your sentences and add a little more in between periods and you're still missing the special word at the bottom located in our rules!
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Doodle Bug



Posts : 1397
Join date : 2012-11-06

PostSubject: Re: Haze Path   Thu Jun 26, 2014 3:31 pm

Maybe try this due to the choppiness:

As a younger pony, her parents didn't pay much attention to her which caused her to be more independent. She was inspired by other ponies to try and stay happy (How did this happen?), although it didn't work out as often as she'd hoped it would which causing her to get left out (what did she try in order to make the other ponies think she needed to be left out? Happiness, yes but how'd she go about doing that?). It also didn't help when ponies would make fun of the happiness she had once tried to achieve (why did they make fun?).Her goal was to stay as happy as possible but usually failed and would end up making her angry and upset (you already mentioned this). She didn't know what to do about her situation until one day, she realized that the opinions of other ponies shouldn't matter and when this happened, she gained her cutie mark! The cloud with the black stripe through it represented that she could cut through the gloomy days with happiness!

Haze Path was walking home when a quiet scream rang softly through the air. Wondering where it had come from, she followed the noise only to see a colt just about ready to hit a filly! Before he could, she got between them and said to the colt "Leave that poor filly alone!" (I'd mention why the colt would be angry enough to hit a filly) which he responded with a snarky: "Well, WHAT are you going to do about it?" "It doesn't matter what i'll do," she stated justly, "just leave her alone!" The colt mumbled, "Fine!" clearly frustrated, and walked away. Haze Path turned to the filly and said, "Head on home, you should be fine now!" The filly said, "Thanks!" and ran towards home. Haze Path smiled and also went home.

Fix this and you should be good!
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PostSubject: Re: Haze Path   Today at 11:20 pm

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